Miss Manners: Am I misunderstanding the rules of what to wear to a funeral?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I believed that wearing all black was proper dress for anyone at a funeral, or any such service.

In recent years, though, this seems to have changed. “Church dress,” or subdued outfits in muted colors, seem to be acceptable.

A friend told me that it is pretentious to dress in all black when the deceased is not a close friend or family member. It seeks to claim a status as a mourner that the wearer does not deserve.

Then a high-profile lady was criticized for wearing a gorgeous, very dignified coat-dress in a black-and-white tweed — which seemed perfectly appropriate to me — because it was not all black. The deceased was not a close friend or family member of the lady in question.

What is correct?

GENTLE READER: Mourning is hard enough without having to think about what degree of intimacy to the deceased your clothing color relays.

This is not a sporting event. There is no winning team for which to show your loyalty.

Furthermore, if you cannot wear black to a funeral without appearing pretentious, where are you properly to wear it?

Never mind. Miss Manners can guess. To a wedding, where any bit of color could probably be criticized for displaying too much joy and support for the couple.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife and I live in a 55-and-over community, and a new neighbor moved into the house next to ours.

I am wondering if there is a custom as to which neighbor should approach the other, and how and when.

My guess would be that we should have approached them to welcome them to the neighborhood, even though we have been there only four months and no one has done it for us.

GENTLE READER: Although there is no strict rule that either party approach first, Miss Manners thinks it kind for the existing neighbor to initiate. Even ones who are only four months in and harbor obvious resentment toward their predecessors.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Many of my friends have small children, and I am always invited to their birthday parties. I genuinely enjoying going and seeing them and their children.

The problem is that my spouse and I are on one income, and sometimes we just don’t have any extra money to spare, even on minimal gifts. However, we usually do have the ingredients on hand to make cookies or cupcakes and frosting from scratch.

Would inquiring about the child’s dietary restrictions and bringing sweets instead of a toy be rude? If it were an adult, I’d give a handwritten note and card, but I doubt children would find those very fun.

GENTLE READER: No, they would not — at least, not without cash or gift cards to shake out of them, in this day and age.

A homemade present is lovely and fine. But unsolicited baked goods may cause too many problems at a children’s party. Most parents will have already put thought into what birthday treat they serve. Providing an alternative will cause confusion — as well as too much sugar stimulation for the young guests.

Miss Manners suggests instead a low-budget craft or a regifted item that can be framed as “something special you thought they might enjoy.”

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.

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