‘No reason to have that hurt’: Suicide to be decriminalized in Virginia

There’s an old law on the books in Virginia that has retraumatized families for years: It’s actually a crime to attempt or commit suicide. Families say that the pain of losing a loved one has sometimes led to even more pain because of a law that holds very little bearing.

A few years after his wife died, Steven Mittendorff replaced his wedding band with a tattoo of their wedding date. The ink will fade long before the love for his late wife ever could.

“I mean, I still have our wedding bands,” he said. “I still put it on every once in a while. I got her. She’s there.”

This week marks a decade since the day that ravaged Steven Mittendorff’s life. Now, 10 years later, he can celebrate work that will benefit countless others.

Steven was a police officer; his bride was a Fairfax County firefighter.

One day in April 2016, Nicole Mittendorff called out of work. That was the last time anyone heard from her.

Nicole’s body was recovered April 21, 2016, in Shenandoah National Park. There was a note. No foul play was suspected.

Crippled with grief, her widower and her sister set up a Facebook page as a place for people to come together, and they did. The page drew tens of thousands of followers and an ocean of messges.

One of those messages was so painful that it would go on to help change Virginia law.

The message “said that she’d broken God’s law and man’s law and she would pray for Nicole’s soul, that it could come further. And I didn’t know what to make of that,” said Jennifer Clardy Chalmers, Nicole Mittendorff’s sister.

“That hurt, and there’s no reason to have that hurt,” she said. “I already lost my sister; you never think about losing your sister during your lifetime — you expect that person to be there for the rest of your life. And that hurt.”

She and Steven were contacted by a state politician who told them that there had been work on the elimination of an old British common law that was still on the books: In Virginia, it was a crime to attempt or die by suicide.

“If there was an attempt that happened that was not successful — I had someone message me that their insurance asked for cost recovery because they could, because you were a criminal, because you attempted suicide,” Clardy Chalmers said.

For years, families affected by suicide worked with multiple politicians to try to remove the law from the books.

It passed the General Assembly twice under the last governor, Glenn Youngkin, but he vetoed it both times.

This year, it passed again, and Gov. Abigail Spanberger signed it on the anniversary of Nicole Mittendorff’s death.

“It seems a little bit surreal, that next year it’ll come into effect,” Clardy Chalmers said.

Steven Mittendorff acknowledges that many people won’t understand why decriminalizing suicide is a huge deal.

“To be honest, I hope that they never understand it because they’ve never been touched by suicide, but for those of us who have, who have lost someone that we deeply love — for us, it’s huge,” he said.

“So, while it may play just a small part in that whole stigma, it certainly continues to point us in the right direction,” he said.

And now Nicole’s sister is ready to part ways with an accessory: her bracelet that called for the end of criminalized suicide.

“That’s done now,” she said.

The law will be removed in 2027.

Most states that have had common-law crimes against suicide have either removed the laws from the books or they’ve just become obsolete. But experts say the removal of the crime is another step in destigmatizing mental health.

If you or someone you know is in crisis, call or text 988 to reach the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline or chat live at 988lifeline.org. You can also visit SpeakingOfSuicide.com/resources for additional support.