‘Real Housewives of Rhode Island’ episode 3: Panic at the disco

COMMENTARY

Here’s some perspective for you.

I recently interviewed Christina Applegate, who told me about battling breast cancer, an eating disorder, and escaping abusive relationships. Since 2021, the actor/author’s life with MS has left her mostly bedridden, and in chronic pain.

“People don’t understand why I watch Bravo: because then I don’t have to think about it,” Applegate told me. “I’ve watched every single season of every single franchise of ‘Below Deck.’ And ‘Housewives.’ …I love them all so much.”

That’s the attitude we need to take with “Real Housewives of Rhode Island.”

I don’t know what your personal situation is— but I do know this world is going to hell in a hand-basket. 

Let me turn off CNN for a night, and escape into a fantasy New England, where the biggest horror imaginable is the drama at a dude’s disco-themed 54th birthday party.

That said, Episode 3 of “The Real Housewives of Rhode Island” centered on the drama at a dude’s 54th disco-themed birthday party.

Oh, and I’m going into this week’s recap with an extra pep in my Rhody step, because for the first time in history — or at least that I (and dozens of other Rhody Instagrammers) know of — Rhode Island has made The Onion. [Raised fist emoji.]

Yup, Boston gets its fair share of Onion jokes. Finally, Rhody is Onion-worthy. Single tear of pride.) 

OK, you pop the popcorn, I’ll recap the drama. Bravo uses only first names on the show to ID cast members, so I’ll stick with that format to make it easier for you. Let’s ride.

Episode 3 highlights

Much of the show saw the cast, in various pairs, rehashing last week’s drama-filled lunch at Middletown’s Newport Vineyards, to propel some storylines forward.

At Newport, if you recall, we saw the gang (sans Rulla) play a game where they could write a question anonymously on a card, addressing a rumor head-on.

Alicia Carmody— who talks like Lois from “Family Guy,” has a penchant for “crackahs,” and is a veritable quote machine (I cannot get enough of her) — had asked Liz McGraw if it was true that she was having an affair with longtime McGraw friend Dino. Liz was visibly upset at the lunch. 

This week, Liz called the rumor “bullsh—.”   She told the camera the rumor is “mortifying.” She understands it seems like a “cool sexy story,” but “at the end of the day it’s nothing. Let’s move on from it.”

Alicia and Liz seemed to squash the beef at Alicia’s house. Alicia apologized for bringing up Dino, and said Liz can ask her a personal question, like why she’s not married.

She’s been engaged for 9 years to Bill Kitsilis, who owns several Rhody restaurants, including Pizza Mamma in Cranston.

“Seeing my mom and dad not working out, I just have a guard [gaad] up,” she said, adding that Bill made her sign a prenup, which would leave her with “nothing.”

Meanwhile, Former Channel 10 WJAR reporter Rosie Woods DiMare and Ashley Iaconetti dissected another bit of gossip: Polyamory.

Kelsey Swanson — a former Miss Rhode Island and University of Rhode Island alum —  lives with a wealthy older man. He lives six months out of the year in Florida with another woman.

Last week, Kelsey admitted she was dating a second person.

This week, we meet Bill (Bravo title: “Kelsey’s Other Man”) at  Bom Cafe in Providence.

She met Bill L’Europa in 7th grade, and her mom loves him. 

“My mom just wants me to be with somebody who will help me procreate,” Kelsey says. Her wealthy boyfriend will provide a mansion but will “not budge” on kids.

Third storyline point: The feud boiling between Rulla and Jo-Ellen.

Last week we learned that Jo-Ellen Tiberi had, a while back, showed Liz photos of Rulla Nehme Pontarelli’s husband Brian out with another woman. 

Rulla said Jo-Ellen “was running her mouth around town about it” and starting divorce rumors. Rulla maintains his affair is not “ongoing.” Others said it was.

This week, Jo-Ellen told her husband Gary she’s worried Rulla and Brian will be at the Studio 54 party. She said Brian wrote an email and called her work to complain about her.

“I don’t appreciate her or her husband trying to f— with me,” she says.  

Gary says, “Maybe I will beat him up.” 

“Do it, babe. I would be so excited with you,” she says.  

Meanwhile at Rulla’s mansion in Lincoln, she’s hosting a brunch with her own friends. She talks about the difficulties in her marriage since her husband’s affair, and says she’s nervous about the Studio 54 party because: Jo-Ellen.

A friend advised her to go and “prove to them that you ain’t got s—it to worry about.”

Side storyline: Ashley and her husband Jared, who met on “Bachelor in Paradise,” meet at Trattoria Romana in South Kingstown. Ashley says Jared spends too much time —and makes too few bucks —at their coffee shop, Audrey’s Coffee House and Lounge in South Kingstown.

“It’s a money pit,” Ashley says. “He works so many hours and he still doesn’t feel super fulfilled. And that makes me sad.” 

—

All this drama culminates at Gerry’s 54th.

Jo-Ellen confronts Rulla, and the two couples sit to talk.  There’s a lot of back and forth a la Housewives memes, with Brian looking awkward, Jo-Ellen’s husband getting angry, Jo-Ellen getting upset. 

Liz ends all this drama with two sentences, which reminded me of the end of “Lord of the Flies” when the adults arrive: “It’s Gerry’s birthday, right? And we’re gonna forget about this.” (I had to laugh.)

Meanwhile, Liz tells Kelsey she wants to go “down to the sea wall” with both Dino and her husband so people will see all three.

Kelsey says she shouldn’t because of “the ongoing…”

“Ongoing what?” Liz cuts her off. “Rumors? Bye. F— Kelsey.”

Liz races inside. Adding to the drama, they let us see camera men and mic booms, and Liz locks herself in a room.

“I don’t have an ongoing! Maybe you have the ongoing, not me!” Liz screams. “You got more to hide than I do!”  

Favorite quotes

• “You walk like a polyamorous duck, you sound like a polyamorous duck, you quack like a polyamorous duck, you’re a polyamorous duck.” — Ashley on Kelsey’s relationship.
• “I don’t have any problem working…Do I want to? No.” — Kelsey, on her life of luxury.
• “If it wasn’t on Disney Channel, I probably didn’t see it.” — Rosie on never seeing “Scarface.”
• “I like to be an icon and this is not iconic.” — Rosie on not liking her Studio 54 costume.
• “I think it’s like an art. Look at the way they do their eyeliner… And everyone has a different lipstick… I think they’re fascinating.” — Alicia on her doll collection. 

(Now, we’re talking hundreds of not priceless antiques, but either Bratz dolls or Bratz lookalikes. This is a level of bizarre eccentricity sorely missing in the “Housewives” franchise. You do you, Alicia.

Lauren Daley is a freelance culture writer. She can be reached at [email protected]. She tweets @laurendaley1, and Instagrams at @laurendaley1. Read more stories on Facebook here.

Lauren Daley is a longtime culture journalist. As a regular contributor to Boston.com, she interviews A-list musicians, actors, authors and other major artists.